Real Talk, with coffee.

If you were at my house this morning, I would offer you a cup (or two) of coffee and we would talk.

I would apologize about the way I look. I haven't showered since Monday and my hair hasn't been washed since Saturday night. I would also apologize for not wearing a bra. Or anything but my pajamas.

I would apologize about the house. There are blankets thrown all over the living room floor. I haven't vacuumed in a couple of days. There are piles of clothes in corners of the house that need to be put away. The laundry room/my bedroom/and the bathroom hamper are filled with clothes that need to be washed.

And if I'm being honest here, I haven't even cooked a meal in about a week. We've either grabbed something to eat in town or I've warmed up Spaghetti-O's. #Momoftheyear

I haven't done any observations at the Preschool this week because almost everyone in this house has been sick. Doug had a stomach bug Sunday. I had it that night, which equals barely any sleep. Tucker started running a fever yesterday and got up a few times last night.

I'm tired ya'll. I'm physically and mentally drained from all energy. Yesterday I cried because I literally sat in front of my laptop at the kitchen table for 8 hours. I'm not even kidding. I was just catching up on assignments + taking a math quiz (which I failed), and taking notes. I cried because I was tired. I cried because I felt like I was neglecting my kids, even though I kept giving them activities to do. I cried because that was the only thing that felt right. I literally thought I was going to pass out from just being so tired and stressed.

Yesterday, I couldn't even remember if I had eaten lunch.

And I'm telling you all this, not to "get attention" or whatever. I just like to keep it real.

I could literally bonk myself in the head for quitting college when I got pregnant with Kenzie. I didn't listen to anyone who said going back to school would be hard when you had a child. But silly me waited until I had TWO kids to go back to school.

I know this will all pay off in the long run. I know I will be so proud of myself for graduating with a degree. I know I will jump for joy when I finally get a good paying job in a career that I love. But right now, I'm just trying to figure out how to balance being a wife/mother/student/housekeeper.

And it's weird. Some days, I'm really on top of my game. The house is spotless, my homework is finished by noon, and everyone is happy happy happy. But then there are days (or weeks, in this case) where I just feel like I'm failing. I feel like I'm failing myself, my kids, my husband, and my friends/family. I'm not taking care of myself like I should, and I think that's the problem. I need to take time for myself, but I don't HAVE time. And even if I did have time, I wouldn't have time BY myself. My kids, who I love more than this whole world, are always with me. 24/7.

This weekend is my anniversary, so I'm hoping I get a break. I think a mini getaway is just what I need.

How I'm Keeping My Sanity.

This semester I decided I was NOT going to be as stressed out as I was last semester. (We'll see how that goes later on lol). I'm taking 3 on campus classes and two online classes, one of which is Pre-Calculus...yep. For one of my education classes, I have to do 45 hours worth of volunteer hours at a local child care facility. I'm trying to figure out what to do about that because I'm going to have to put Tucker in some sort of daycare so I can do my hours. So I'm sort of stressing about that. But so far, I'm keeping my head on straight with everything else! 

My method this semester is SCHEDULES! Now, if you know me in real life, you know I'm borderline OCD and I need things to be organized and planned out. So, I made myself a schedule for this semester! It includes my cleaning schedule, school work time, workouts, and everything in between. This helps me out SO much. I make sure to dedicate at least 2.5 hours a day on school assignments, so I don't fall behind and get stressed out. Wish me luck this semester! It's going to be a busy one!

And of course, lots of coffee. I couldn't survive without it!

Life lately has been pretty much the same. I've been fluctuating one or two pounds because I've lost my motivation to work out/count calories. (I know, I know...shame on me)! But I'm not giving up, I promise. 

Kenzie's loving Kindergarten and Tucker has found a love for Mario and Luigi. 

 I'm excited for this weekend! It's FOOTBALL SEASON! Go Vols! We are going to visit my Papa at the River for Labor Day weekend and I can't wait! I love "mini vacations" lol. 

I also realize that this post is rambly...I'm sorry!

Lately.

Life hasn't been too crazy lately, I just haven't had the "blogging bug". Lately, we've been having family movie nights and "just Doug & I" movie nights. Usually, when the kids go to bed is my blogging time, but I've been giving that up to spend some more time with my husband. So here are some pictures of the last week or so, via my crappy iPhone lol.

Yoga time on the Wii fit. I'm more flexible/balanced than I thought I would be.

Even Kenzie does yoga! She watches Cosmic Kids on YouTube.

Apple Pie smoothie.

I won a monogrammed hat on FB!

I love spending my time under our huge pecan tree in my swing.

Friday is library day!

This dog....

Went to see The Wolverine Saturday night. I wore my awesome Marvel pocket tee from Stitches & Splinters.

Sunday was a lazy movie day for us. I even got to snuggle with my baby man:)

 That's pretty much what's been going on around these parts. It's been so gloomy & rainy that we haven't been able to swim in a couple of days! Crazy weather. I don't think I've EVER been able to say it was too cool to swim in JULY.
 

Summer Nights

Last Friday night at around 7:45pm, the weather was just perfect. It wasn’t hot. It wasn’t sticky (because sticky is a correct weather term around here in Tennessee). It was beautiful.

I want to move all the time, but when I walk outside on nights like these, it makes me realize just how much I will probably miss this house. All the deer, and turkeys, and sunsets, and corn fields, and summer porch sitting.

I guess you just have to be happy in the moment. Be happy with what you have, until something better comes along. I just have to keep telling myself that. It will all be worth the wait and struggle in the end.

And these two crazy kiddos are the most important reason to keep on being happy in the moment.

So for now, until our life changes in big ways, I’m going to enjoy being their mommy. And enjoy spending everyday with them at home. And enjoy these sweet, southern, summer nights while they last.

Go ahead, judge me.

I thought about not posting this, but then I thought, maybe I should let people see what goes on behind the blog and not just the usual fun, quirky stuff. I'll let ya'll see the REAL LIFE me. And I might lose followers, or even friends over this. But I'm speaking my mind today and I really don't care.

Here's the thing. I'm poor. My husband hates for me to say that because he says we aren't. But I have to disagree.
Do you know the last time I filled my tank up with gas? Me either.
Do you know the last time I cried about late bills? Today.
Do you know how ghetto I feel because we have to rely on taxes just to buy things we usually can't afford (like appliances, computers, lawn mowers, etc.) and then turn right back around and be poor again when it's all gone? Very ghetto.
Do you know what it's like to live paycheck to paycheck? Or have to borrow money from family to pay for a tire or water bill? I do.

I've never put new tires on a vehicle before. Ever. If one goes flat, we buy a used tire that lasts about 6 months.
I don't know what it's like to be able to buy what I want, when I want it. This includes makeup, hair stuff, home decor, shoes, clothes, fingernail polish. You name it, I have to save up for it. Or wait until we have a little extra pocket change.
What we do depends on how much gas we can afford to get anywhere.

Do you know what it's liked to be JUDGED because you get financial assistance from the government???? I sure as hell hope not, but you know...there are some very judgmental assholes in this world. And I would just like to give a big middle finger in the air to you.
You think because I have an iPhone, tattoos, and (sometimes) nice looking clothes that I shouldn't be using food stamps? Let me explain something. My clothes come from my best friend, my family, or Wal-Mart. I literally can't remember the last time I bought any article of clothing for myself with my own money. My tattoos are usually from people I know who will give me a discount and I've saved up for them. PS-My most expensive tattoo was $50. Whooptydoo. Want to know why we have iPhones? Because we WANT iPhones. I didn't realize that since we are on Government assistance, I needed a dinosaur phone to prove how poor I am.
 You know what else? Sometimes, I buy wine or beer! *gasp!* I know....it should be so illegal that I get to enjoy things like that once in a blue moon just because I'm poor.
I don't think people understand what they are saying when they say things like "You shouldn't get that much taxes back" or "I'm so glad I work so YOU can stay at home" or "How's that insurance and food I'm working for so you can enjoy?". It's rude and hurtful. So just stop. 

So there you have it friends. I'm a poor blogger. But you know what else? Most of the time, I'm pretty happy. Because I know I'M doing what I need for my family by going to school to better our future. I know (hopefully) our life won't always be a struggle and we will be able to provide better things for our children. And I will praise the Lord the day we are able to get off Government assistance. But I will NEVER EVER EVER judge anyone who is. Because I've been in their shoes and know what's it's like. Those of you who don't have to worry about money, can kiss it. YOU don't know what struggle is, therefore YOU do not have the right to judge those are ARE struggling.

Two years.

That's how long it's been since my baby has had a seizure.

Two years ago this month, I watched my six month old have a full blown Grand Mal seizure in my arms and there was nothing I could do about it. It was the most scariest thing I've ever witnessed as a mother.

It was like time had stopped and I held him like that for hours, when in reality it was only about a minute or two long.

Tucker had a pretty rough time with medical issues in his first year of life. I spent a lot of time sleeping on hospital couches with him.

When he was six weeks old, he was hospitalized for high fever and had to have a spinal tap. 

A. Spinal. Tap.

And I heard him scream.

At four months, he was diagnosed with Complex Partial Seizures.

He's had to have MRI's, CT Scans, and surgery (for another reason).

You can read all about my poor Tucker man's medical history here, here, and here.

But today marks an awesome new start.

Not one seizure in two years. And I'm hoping never again, but there's always the chance they could come back later in life.

He goes to LeBonheur Children's Hospital for checkups every so often.
We saw his Neurologist yesterday and he said he wants to do a few more tests and if they check out, Tucker should be off his medication by this summer!

We go to Memphis next week for the EEG test.
LeBonheur has been so good to us, and I haven't had to worry about him once when he was there.
But I sure will be one happy Momma if we never have to go back!

Thank you for all the prayers and happy thoughts sent our way throughout those difficult times two years ago (for those who have known about it).
 

Love YOU.

I write this post to tell you all how beautiful YOU are, regardless of what you may think or what other people may say.

 I'm also writing this for myself. And for my daughter. 

Because we are living in a cruel, vicious world where a size 8 is fat but a size zero is sickly.

The scale is our enemy.

Food is our weakness.

Society is the devil.

Your body is your own. No one else has one just like you.

MY body is my own. And it's the only one I will ever have.

So why do I hate it so much?

Why do we give ourselves so much grief over a number on a scale or the size of our jeans?

Guess what?

I'm fat.

I'm 5'6" and I weight 220 pounds.
I wear a size 16.

 I have stretch marks on my stomach and boobs.

I have love handles.

I have two chins sometimes.

My stomach looks like an 80 year old woman's stomach.

My boobs aren't perky anymore.

My thighs have cellulite.

But you know what else?

I'm HAPPY.

I'm happy with my life.
I consider myself to be pretty awesome.

I love food and wine and cooking and baking.

My husband still loves me the same as he did when I was a size 9.

My children think I'm beautiful.

My family loves me.
My friends don't judge me.

I know that I will never ever have the same body I did before I gave birth.

But from my "not-so-perky" boobs, came milk to feed my children.

From my larger hips, I was able to push out two babies.

From my stretch marks, I let my body grow and stretch in order to hold and carry healthy babies to full term.

My body was their home.

  And for this sacrifice, I gave life to two precious children. 

 

So from this day forward, I will be happy with myself.

And you will be, too.

You are beautiful in your skin.

I hope to raise my daughter to be so self confident, that she will never compare herself to others.

Because I know for a fact, my Kenzie is perfect just the way she is.

And I'm sure my Momma and Daddy wanted the same thing for me.

I just wish I would have realized that before now.

So here's to a new beginning.

 I'm not going to focus on losing weight anymore, or trying to be "tiny" like I thought I wanted.

I'm going to focus on living healthier.

But I will STILL eat that damn piece of chocolate cupcake if I want.

Will YOU choose happiness?

In a funk. Sort of.

I just want to say THANK YOU to all my new followers! I'm so excited to have reached 300+!!

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Thanks for following along!

Let's start this post on a good note....

I'M DONE WITH THIS SEMESTER!

Now let's start the bad stuff, shall we?

After failing my College Algebra (yeah..huge ego booster right there), I decided that maybe I'm not cut out for the big league (K-6th). So I changed my major to Early Education, which involves Pre-K age and under. I think I'm much more suitable for that age group anyways. 

Therefore, the majority of my classes that I've taken since January of this year till now, don't even count towards my degree. 

I pretty much wasted a whole year.

Even though it was MY choice to change majors, I still feel like a loser.

I can't afford to waste time and I did.

I just feel like I'm letting people down, even though I'm trying. I'm trying to finish school.

And I just can't help but feel that some people see me as being lazy/not productive, because I'm not contributing financially to my family by having a job.

But I think I AM contributing.

Having a job involves daycare. And daycare is outrageous. And we are DEF not made of money.

Having a job and going to school would be nearly impossible for me. I just can't balance everything.

So right now, I'm hoping everyone bares with me for the next two years. 

As I continue to pursue my dreams of actually finishing college and starting a career.

As I continue to raise my own children without daycares, just as I was raised.

As I continue to contribute to my family the best way I can right now, which involves putting everyone else's needs in front of mine.

Eventually, I will look back on this post and say, "Lauren, I'm so proud of you. YOU did it. You finished what you started and now your family can be financially stable."

So there's my soap box for the day.

For now, I will just use my motto:

I didn't get this tattooed on my body for no reason!

Giving up sounds easiest.

Super personal blog post alert.

I'm so sick of school. I hate school. HATE it. 

And do you know what I'm going to school for? 

A teacher.

yeah.

I can't concentrate.

I literally do NOT understand Algebra.

I can't seem to balance being a mom, a wife, cooking dinners, keeping a clean house, and all that jazz PLUS school work.

I just can't.

And it's only because I really hate it.

I feel like such a loser.

I'm almost 24 years old with no degree, no job, nothing.

If it wasn't for my husband who cares so much for his family, I guess I'd be hookin' in the streets.

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I can't really see myself being a teacher. 

I can't do anything medical because I pass out at the sight of blood.

I have no clue.

And most of the time, I feel like the only reason I'm going back to school is to please my family. To get them off my back.

I feel like an outsider.

A loser.

A total mess up.

I would love to own my own coffee shop/bookstore.

But that will probably never happen.

It takes money to make money, right?

What am I doing with my life?

I see all my friends who I graduated high school with who have these really awesome degrees and jobs that they love.

And I'm just here, sitting on my couch, blogging.

I'm like in super shut down mode right now.

I'm going to talk to my Advisor soon about what I can do to graduate the quickest.

I can't handle school.

So, to any family members who will read this, I'm sorry. But yes, this is me giving up, because it wasn't what I wanted to do in the first place.

You know what today means right?

FOOTBALL TIME!!

Can I get a "Go Big Orange!"?

Yes. Yes I can.

SAY IT!

Just kidding. You don't have to if you don't want to.

But you should want to.

We may not be winners all the time, but we have more spirit than any other SEC team!

Let's Go Tennessee Vols!

 

Football time at our house means:

Friends and family over every Saturday.

Grilling out and football food.

Ice cold beer.

Yelling at the tv screen.

Gearing up in ORANGE!

                                                                                                 Source: skreened.com via Lauren on Pinterest

                                                                                              Source: polyvore.com via Lauren on Pinterest

You better believe I've got my orange nail polish ready!

Who are you cheering for?

Oh, hi again!

Ya'll. I don't know what has been wrong with me.

I don't want to blog.

I barely want to read other blogs.

I mostly just want to sleep.

And I'm craving cherries. I don't even like cherries. But I saw Jenna on Pretty Little Liars eating cherries and decided I wanted some.

{source}

 

If I didn't have my tubes tied, I would swear up and down I was pregnant.

But that's crazy talk.

I'm just a worn out mom/student/house cleaner/cook/chauffeur.

Life as of lately?

Well, Kenzie has been loving school. I love hearing about her day when I pick her up! Today she had her first cheer practice! Awww! She has shown me her two cheers and her jump she learned. Her little cheer group is going to be performing at our local High School Homecoming game during half time! How exciting!! 

I started my classes for Fall semester. I have two classes on campus and two online. So far I'm loving it. For my English class, we are going to be discussing The Hunger Games! EEEEP! Pretty sure I'm gonna pass that one. ;)

We've been spending more time doing family stuff. It's hard to do things together when Doug works all the time, but I'm thankful for his job so I don't want to complain.

Last weekend we took the kids to the park. We had never been to this one before, and it was actually really nice! 

Oh, Doug and I started back on eating healthy again. Counting calories; walking. All that fun stuff. We walked a little bit tonight before the sun went down. It was actually nice. So wish us luck on our journey to getting healthy and losing weight....again. LOL!