Tennessee Honey: March 2012

Welcome to a new feature of my blog. Here, I will open up (more than usual) about the things I would like to keep behind closed doors. But instead of hiding it, as my own form of therapy, I will be blogging about it. Opening up about my deepest secrets that are hindering me to be myself. And some of these won't be pretty. And please don't sugar coat the comments (if you comment at all). I'm not doing this for self pity. I just need to write.

The first portion will be my weight loss struggle. Or rather, my weight GAIN.

I have a problem.

Most people refuse food in times of stress. I, however, use it as a coping mechanism. I feel bad, I eat. I feel bored, I eat. I feel defeated by food, I eat food. For some people this won't make sense, and secretly I hope I am not the only one out there who feels like this. I secretly hope there is someone out there who has struggled with self image all their LIFE like I have so I can someone to relate to.

I will try to start from the beginning. Ever since I can remember, eh, well maybe since about middle school, I have always felt ugly. I never really fit in with the popular crowd. The only reason I did was because of my friend who I grew up with who was nice enough to include me in stuff. I had glasses, frizzy hair, and never wore the latest fashion. Although we were never poor, (we actually never "wanted" for anything), I just didn't have a motherly figure around to show me how to do my hair or makeup or whatever. I had my grandmother, but she didn't know what was "in" for my age lol.

And since I noticed I wasn't very pretty, I noticed I wasn't very skinny either. Not like the other girls. And it didn't help that my FAMILY was constantly shooting comments at me; "Why is your fingernail polish chipping?" "You need to exercise." "You didn't do so good in [insert sport here]. You should have ran faster." I never felt good enough. Literally everything I did was not good enough for them. I thought I was a pretty decent basketball and soccer player. But apparently that doesn't count because what they REALLY wanted me to play was softball. But that just wasn't what I wanted to do. Didn't matter. It was always brought up. And especially about my weight...the snide comments.

Once, when I was about 16, my mother let me try on her wedding dress. Just for fun. Well, it didn't button/zip all the way. "Lauren, I was 3 months pregnant when I wore this and it won't zip up for you." Thanks.

And you know the crazy thing? Yes, I was a little "chubby" growing up, but when I was in high school, I was skinny. Maybe not "fit" but I was skinny. And I STILL always thought I was fat. But obviously, the snide comments didn't stop. So my self-esteem was still pretty low.

Fast forward to pregnancy. I used my first pregnancy as an excuse to eat everything. I figured, what the hell, I'm gonna get fat anyways. I ate because I knew no one would ever look at me the same anyways. I was a mother at 19.

After Kenzie was born, it was apparent that my body was different. I was the biggest I had ever been. And how did I react to this? I wallowed myself in self pity and stuffed up to food and tv. Then I got pregnant with Tucker and thank goodness he was so big. I actually lost weight with him and was pretty much "all baby", including the fat I already had before him lol. But still, I was about 15 pounds heavier after I gave birth. And I actually started to lose weight!! I just wasn't hungry. And I felt fabulous! And then, someone compliments me. "I can tell you are losing weight! You look good!" So I celebrate that by freaking eating. What is wrong with me???

I give up so easily. When times get tough, I shut down. I'm not the person I used to be nor the person I want to be. And the strange thing is, when I eat/gorge, I feel MISERABLE after. I always say "WHY did I just do that??!!!"

So seriously....why?

Friday, I took a "before" picture of myself in just my panties and bra and I literally cried after I saw. I am a whale. And it is disgusting. I'm seriously surprised my husband wants to touch me. I guess I have just been lying to myself for so long because I didn't want to see what I saw in my camera. And now, the weight loss journey begins. I want to do this so bad. I'm tired of feeling bad and looking horrible.

I started Jillian Micheal's 30 Day Shred today. And I almost died lol. But I am determined to stick with this to prove not only to the others who doubt me, but mainly to MYSELF!!

Once there are some noticeable changes, I will post my pictures. But until then, I will keep the horrendous-ness to myself lol.