March 12, 2012

My Personal Struggles. #1

Welcome to a new feature of my blog. Here, I will open up (more than usual) about the things I would like to keep behind closed doors. But instead of hiding it, as my own form of therapy, I will be blogging about it. Opening up about my deepest secrets that are hindering me to be myself. And some of these won't be pretty. And please don't sugar coat the comments (if you comment at all). I'm not doing this for self pity. I just need to write.

The first portion will be my weight loss struggle. Or rather, my weight GAIN.

I have a problem.

Most people refuse food in times of stress. I, however, use it as a coping mechanism. I feel bad, I eat. I feel bored, I eat. I feel defeated by food, I eat food. For some people this won't make sense, and secretly I hope I am not the only one out there who feels like this. I secretly hope there is someone out there who has struggled with self image all their LIFE like I have so I can someone to relate to.

I will try to start from the beginning. Ever since I can remember, eh, well maybe since about middle school, I have always felt ugly. I never really fit in with the popular crowd. The only reason I did was because of my friend who I grew up with who was nice enough to include me in stuff. I had glasses, frizzy hair, and never wore the latest fashion. Although we were never poor, (we actually never "wanted" for anything), I just didn't have a motherly figure around to show me how to do my hair or makeup or whatever. I had my grandmother, but she didn't know what was "in" for my age lol.

And since I noticed I wasn't very pretty, I noticed I wasn't very skinny either. Not like the other girls. And it didn't help that my FAMILY was constantly shooting comments at me; "Why is your fingernail polish chipping?" "You need to exercise." "You didn't do so good in [insert sport here]. You should have ran faster." I never felt good enough. Literally everything I did was not good enough for them. I thought I was a pretty decent basketball and soccer player. But apparently that doesn't count because what they REALLY wanted me to play was softball. But that just wasn't what I wanted to do. Didn't matter. It was always brought up. And especially about my weight...the snide comments.

Once, when I was about 16, my mother let me try on her wedding dress. Just for fun. Well, it didn't button/zip all the way. "Lauren, I was 3 months pregnant when I wore this and it won't zip up for you." Thanks.

And you know the crazy thing? Yes, I was a little "chubby" growing up, but when I was in high school, I was skinny. Maybe not "fit" but I was skinny. And I STILL always thought I was fat. But obviously, the snide comments didn't stop. So my self-esteem was still pretty low.

Fast forward to pregnancy. I used my first pregnancy as an excuse to eat everything. I figured, what the hell, I'm gonna get fat anyways. I ate because I knew no one would ever look at me the same anyways. I was a mother at 19.

After Kenzie was born, it was apparent that my body was different. I was the biggest I had ever been. And how did I react to this? I wallowed myself in self pity and stuffed up to food and tv. Then I got pregnant with Tucker and thank goodness he was so big. I actually lost weight with him and was pretty much "all baby", including the fat I already had before him lol. But still, I was about 15 pounds heavier after I gave birth. And I actually started to lose weight!! I just wasn't hungry. And I felt fabulous! And then, someone compliments me. "I can tell you are losing weight! You look good!" So I celebrate that by freaking eating. What is wrong with me???

I give up so easily. When times get tough, I shut down. I'm not the person I used to be nor the person I want to be. And the strange thing is, when I eat/gorge, I feel MISERABLE after. I always say "WHY did I just do that??!!!"

So seriously....why?

Friday, I took a "before" picture of myself in just my panties and bra and I literally cried after I saw. I am a whale. And it is disgusting. I'm seriously surprised my husband wants to touch me. I guess I have just been lying to myself for so long because I didn't want to see what I saw in my camera. And now, the weight loss journey begins. I want to do this so bad. I'm tired of feeling bad and looking horrible.

I started Jillian Micheal's 30 Day Shred today. And I almost died lol. But I am determined to stick with this to prove not only to the others who doubt me, but mainly to MYSELF!!

Once there are some noticeable changes, I will post my pictures. But until then, I will keep the horrendous-ness to myself lol.


DeLaina said...

i just want you to know. i know your struggle. i was anorexic/bulimic for several years. Then i was 200+ lbs... then i was smaller, then i was bigger. I'm white Oprah. its a very emotional thing. I'm here for you! if you need to talk, vent, cry, whatever!! You can do this! I did the exact same thing a couple weeks ago when i started my workout- took a picture of me in a bathing suit. wanted to vomit. But every time i get lazy, I think of that picture, and work out... or put the chips down lol. I got your back!

paige ellison said...

Lauren, it is wonderful to hear someone else admit that they have an overeating problem. I have always eaten for pleasure, stress, and just because. In middle school EVERYONE made fun of me and called me fat. And honestly I wasnt that big. Then in high school a group of girls decided they would call me a hippo and talk about how fat I was everyday in Spanish II. I think you were in my class. But Ive began a weight loss journey. It is a slow process, but I absolutely love the way I feel and the compliments I get. Just push yourself, and you will eventually be happy. Im so ready for the day that I am comfortable in my own body! Good luck on your journey you can definitely do it!

Sarah E. said...

You can do this! If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for you.

~Jessi~ said...

Lauren you are beautiful! You can do this girl!! MIND OVER MATTER!!

Nicole said...

It's a hard life to live that way. Growing up I never was the popular kid, like you said I had the friend that was though and hung around with her. I didn't do sports unless it was softball and that was summer league where everyone played. Good or bad. I didn't realize until I was older that I was really good at it it was my life. I didn't have the mother that dressed me in clothes like everyone else. I had the tomboy of a mom. She worked all her life in a factory. My nanny is the one that tried to dress me girly but mom had other plans. Hell I remember even in I think 5th grade she gave me a mullet UGH Talk about embarrassing. But yes weight has always been an issue with me. I've used the same ways you have.. I was bored, I ate, I was sad, I ate, etc. As I grew up I always was like I wanna lose weight. 2 weeks later I was back at where I started. It's a hard process Lauren. Your an amazing mom, wife, & Friend. You have to do this for you! Not because you think it will make Doug like you more, because we all know Doug is madly in love with you. Lauren he wouldn't care if you weighed 400lbs (little excessive but you get my point). You have to do this for you. It's a hard process, I am struggling through it right now. This past summer I got down to my lowest weight in a long time thanks to my 2 back surgeries. But now I have gained 20 lbs back and I feel horrible about myself. Trying to date again after my divorce has been the hardest thing ever because I feel so unworthy to everyone. That I will never find anyone. Trust me! If they can't except you for you then they don't deserve you Lauren. Again I know i'm rambling on but you have to do this for you! YOU don't like it, YOU change it. It's not everyone else's life. You need to get at a weight thats comfortable for you. If that means getting down to super thin then go for it. If it means getting down to just a couple pants size or whatever then do it. When people hear how much I weight they don't believe me. I've never looked my weight. So When I look at it and look where I should be...I don't think I can do it. I just want to be at a place I feel pretty again... Set goals for yourself. When you lose so much or even when you make it through a week of doing the workouts, then reward yourself. It's not just the workouts. People will tell you it's what you eat. Best thing i've found (And yes this really helps it did after my surgeries) Eat 5 Small meals a day. Not 3 big ones, 5 Small. No cokes, more water than sweet tea. No fast food. You would be surprised by just cutting out fast food and cokes (not even excerising) How much weight you will lose. If you ever wanna talk or trade advice/secrets/ whatever lol then you know where to find me! Keep your head up Lauren! -- Nicole

angela elizabeth said...

You're beautiful Lauren. <3

You can stick with this if you really want it - you will make sure you will make time to do it. If you need motivation you know you can count on the CH girls. I'm here for support as well. I've never been in your situation, but I can definitely see where you're coming from and appreciate being so open to people. It's gonna suck and you're gonna hurt and wanna just 'take a break', but don't let yourself down.


cupplespat said...

I wish that you could see yourself as I see you and how I saw you as a little girl. Your birth changed my life. It changed my direction, my attitude, my whole outlook on life. I look at you and have always seen a beautiful, smart, intelligent girl and now a woman, who really impacted my life and you don't even know it. You will always be beautiful on the outside and inside. Don't lose what is important in life. You are doing a great job with your beautiful family and they need a mother and wife that feel loved and is willing to give love. Don't buy into the "beautiful body scheme" that has been set into our minds from magazines and TV. Take it from your old, fat, going bald uncle: You are one of the most beautiful women I know, both on the outside and the inside. I love you if you didn't know it!

Raven L said...

Lauren, as many of your friends have already stated, I too can relate to what you are going through. I've been fat since about mid-year of kindergarten. It is unreal when I see old pictures of myself. I just blew up like a balloon that never popped. In about junior high I started getting taller and skimmed down some (which I can see in pictures) but I still thought of myself as huge. How stupid I was. I also use food to cover up or fix EVERYTHING. Something I actually just realized earlier today (strange you posted about the same thing merely hours later, we are so on the same wavelength) is that when I was thinner I still saw myself as fat, but when I fattest (like now) I don't think I'm as fat as I really am until I see pictures of myself. It's a ridiculous cycle and I believe it has something to do with things that have happened in our past. Something else I've had to come to terms with in my life is that me being so happy-go-lucky, I've always been the child that was overlooked or not worried about as much. Again, just despising something here...I have that hypoparathyroidism, and would have seizures when I didn't take my meds. And there was a time where I would "forget" to take them for a long time, and I would be hospitalized. Looking back, I'm thinking that perhaps I intentionally didn't take them so that someone, anyone would pay attention to just me, cater to me for a change. Anyway, we all have our demons and those things that eat away (no pun intended) at us. Some people go throw life and never understand why they are the way they are or even care to find out. You are such an amazing person and I commend you for wanting to figure out this mess we call life. I know you can do anything you set your hard head to doing. :p I love you girl, and if you need a shoulder, an ear, a hand, or for me to knock out some teeth, you know I'm there.

Wifezilla Hekela said...

Lauren, I think you are a beautiful & intelligent Woman and those assets are more valuable then being a size 0. I know Society can really portray an IDEAL weight for Women these days, and it sucks because it makes Women who are not skinny feel like crap. I've always been in between, but I too struggle with my metabolism, especially after having three children. Grant it Ive always been comfortable a size 9, it does feel good to drop down to a Size 7 every now and then. It is a learning curve to try an understand our feelings and our habits, but once you take steps to being a healthier you, your never going to want to go back. Just keep positive and motivated. Be determined, and once you start seeing results it will help you to keep pushing. A beautiful MIND is what you have, the skinniest chicks dont even have that! Dont give up!! Xoxo

Ussma Ghani said...

Hey Lauren I think you just did the hardest part which is reflecting on what's at the root of your problem. I know society puts a lot of emphasis on looks but I think it really is more about health and how you feel both mentally and physically.
The next step is to think about how you address these negative thought/feelings/habits. The hardest part is getting started. As I tell all my clients (who I have been lucky enough to work with because they truly inspire me to be better - just like you do) don't focus on the weight that comes on its own and you cannot control that - focus instead on the little everyday things you do that will make you healthier and happier. Good luck!