October 14, 2011

Who I think I am…

this is my quote that pretty much sums it up

Who I Am: 
A damn good mother.
A loving wife
A book lover.
Sweet tea, Dr.Pepper, coffee addict.
A best friend.

Who I Think I Am:
A big slob who stays at home all the time.
Lost in the world.
Someone who will never figure out what to do with my life.
    All of my friends are going out this weekend. At first I didn’t want to go. Hubbs didn’t understand why. I tried using the “I’m tired” excuse, but he wasn’t buying that. Before I could open my mouth with another excuse he says, “If you don’t have anything to wear, I will buy you something.” Dang it. Can’t use that one either…

    And then I just start crying. 

    “I’m fat”.

    Now, being the sweet husband (most of the time haha) that he is, he tries to calm me down. But in the process of that, he gets mad. He gets mad because he says I AM not fat, I’m just not as small as I used to be. And he tells me I am beautiful.

    I’ve never really felt pretty except for when I was feeling pretty for the wrong reasons.

    I was always so hard on myself for anything. My weight; my looks; my clothes. Even when I was a cheerleader, I always felt huge. And looking back now, I was NOT fat at ALL.
    Then and Now

    Obviously, I was retarded.

    I’m still very hard on myself. I hate being in pictures. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate finding something to wear.

    My self esteem is sad. Before I had kids, I loved meeting new people. I loved dancing. I loved going out. Now, I have to have a few (or 6) drinks before I hit the dance floor lol. 

    Hubbs tells me that my idea of beauty is superficial. I get my ideal body from Victoria Secret models. He says that’s not real life. Not everyone CAN look like that and he doesn’t care if I ever look like that. He doesn’t put lies in my head though…he does tell me he knows I’m slightly overweight but I’m not HUGE like I think I am. 

    But I’m not just gonna sit around and mope. I’m gonna do something about it. I’ve been cutting back on what I eat for the past couple of days. I feel better not eating a ton of food for dinner. Now if only I could get some energy & get over my hatred for sweat and start to exercise! I need to lose 60 pounds to be in a healthy BMI for my height. 

    Has anyone else lost a significant amount of weight before? How did you do it? Any yummy healthy snacks or recipes?

    Also, motivation tips would be nice. Me and chocolate have this thing…and I need to let go. LOL!

    1 comment:

    Anonymous said...

    Hi, I just came across your blog and found it hilarious! Then I stumbled upon this entry and felt compelled to comment. We women are fine tuned to focus on what we look like, from dress up clothes as children, to makeup, pics in magazines, etc. Whereas men, are taught how to do things, away from their looks and God given attributes. I've struggled with this very issue as I'm sure most women have. BUT, I've never given birth. You, my friend, contributed to the world of humanity, your body is amazing, it's a blessing, it's something to be in awe of. You created life! I read your goals of how you want to lose the baby weight and my hat is off to you for choosing health! But in the meantime, please notice just HOW beautiful of a woman you are! I saw your pictures and you are stunning! Especially After b/c you carried a living being, your body is a temple and you are Queen. I hope that you learn to embrace it, and love yourself. Because self confidence is the most beautiful thing any woman can wear. It is my journey too, and I hope you find love within yourself. Keep your chin up girl and your head high! And please don't miss out on great opportunities b/c your body is in transition. No one notices that stuff but ourselves!!! Good luck!