June 13, 2011

It's a dark place.

I have this bad feeling that instead of going to an old folks home when I get old, I'm going to be put in a looney bin. I think about things that I'm afraid no one else thinks about. I think I might be crazy.

I cry a lot thinking about my babies. What if something happened to me? Would someone know how to love them like I do? Would they know our silly games we play? Or that Kenzie is the sweetest, most beautiful little girl in the world who has a huge and pure heart? Or that Tucker is a Momma's boy and likes to be sung to (preferably Simple Man)? Will they know that kissing Kenzie's boo-boos makes her tears stop instantly? Can someone possibly love my babies as much as I do? I know there are people that love them SO much in their lives. But they only have one Mother. Only one person who carried them for 9 months; who loved them from that first "positive". 

I also get super sad when I see old people by themselves. I think, that will be Kenzie one day. She will be a little old woman. And I won't be there. No one will be there. I hope she has someone to take good care of her and listen to her. [I'm crying right now...ugh.....].

So I think now I'm officially a lunatic. I dwell too much on what might happen [and mostly the sad things] rather than seeing a bright future. I just want my babies to be my babies forever. I want to freeze time and stay this way. My children are my world. Without them I have nothing. 

ok...I'm done with my crazy ranting..


Amy said...

Hey! I just started following from WTE. You are not a lunatic, or well if you are then I'm right there with you. I am constantly worried about something happening to either me or my husband, or my baby girl. It is pretty terrible. I haven't thought about what it might be like when she is old! Now that is breaking my heart!

Heather said...

you are NOT crazy. you are a momma. and i think about those things too...all the time. No one will ever be able to love your babies like you do because no one could ever replace you. one day they will have babies of their own and they will feel the same way. if they grow up being kind hearted, giving people...there WILL be someone there to take care of them. you have friends and family that i am sure would gladly take them in if something ever happened to you. i understand why you worry. i cried when Brayden went to kindergarten this year. it freaked me out. i asked Ty, are they going to know what to say to him when he gets upset? and then when the tornadoes came through and he was at school, i sat at home and cried. i had two kids at home and couldnt just go get him from school. storms freak him out so much. being a mother means you are constantly worrying about things that matter now and things that wont matter for 20 years. thats just how we are. you arent crazy